Present: Andy, Bec, Dave, Anthony, Julia, Katrina, Susan (first ever cave)
[CLEARS THROAT]
Are you sitting comfortably, then we’ll begin. Our story starts at half past eight, the sun was shining (a bit too much to begin with), the birds may have been singing. It was at this point that the party split
[LADA EXIT STAGE RIGHT TO M6]
[MAESTRO EXIT STAGE LEFT TO RICHMOND & CHOCOLATE STOP]
[MAESTRO BEATS LADA – CONCLUSION, LADAS ARE SHIT CARS]
But was joyously reunited in Bernies, where Susan refused the lardy breakfast, and Andy failed to get the extra lardy breakfast.
After an hour’s walk up a big hill, which Susan thoroughly enjoyed – bloody hill walker – we reached the caving panting and wheezing, after climbing over walls and ripping Andy’s trousers.
[COLLAPSE AT CAVE ENTRANCE]
[WALK UP TO GAPING GILL, BE A TOURIST ATTRACTION – POSE FOR PHOTO]
[EXIT ANDY, BEC TO RIG]
The first pitch went without incident, apart from not being told it was that bloody tight. “What bastard suggested this cave!”
We all managed to get down the big pitch and through the crawl into Gaping Gill main chamber
[SOME CURSED THE LACK OF KNEE PADS]
We stood under the waterfall, although it was pathetic to waterfall veterans.
[CRAP CRAWL BACK, GETTING ONLY SLIGHTLY LOST]
Everyone got up the pitch, although it was very knackering. I can’t believe people do it on ladders – fools.
[BEC & ANDY EXIT UP PITCHES AND WAIT AT TOP OF FIRST PITCH]
[TIME PASSES]
Susan, Dave and Julia ascend pitch.
[MUCH GRUNTING, GROANING AND SCREAMING]
Katrina ascends pitch.
[EVEN MORE GRUNTING, GROANING AND SCREAMING]
[AND PUSHING AND SHOVING]
[AND PULLING AND YANKING]
We commenced the shit walk home, arriving at the cars at 11.15. Found phone at 11.30, half an hour before the rescue come to get us. The route home was scenic taking in Tebay services, the Shap granite and an interview with a nice policeman. Arriving back in Durham 2.30am.
[COLLAPSE INTO BED]
Rebecca Jones
The End?
…NO…Twenty centons later, in a little known far flung sector of the galaxy, our intrepid explorers continued their saga…