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Present: Andy, Julia, Susan

I picked Susan up from her house where she randomly found a bag full of rotting leaves under her sink. 1 hr 25 mins later and several miles of driving in shite weather (a precursor of things to come?) we were sat down in Bernies. Susan had her first lardy breakfast despite being there before. Then Anthony and a very hungover Julia walked and staggered in respectively. We drove up Kingsdale and reluctantly got changed. Avoiding farmers and sheep we arrived at Kingsdale beck, after several attempts at crossing the raging torrent of water we finally made it to Heron Pot.

Entered the wet!, dry passageway and after crawling we arrived at the WET passageway with fast; as in FAST flowing water. We admired the pretties. We were starting to get a little concerned about the cascades let alone the pretties at this point (the getting out at the bottom was not an option). Water was pissing out the sides of cave, where it shouldn’t have been, under great pressure. Came across a dangerous looking bit before the cascades, well I thought so, Julia didn’t but then after trying it decided it was and screamed “ANDY!!”, so I grabbed her chest tape. We turned around and started the short return journey, we even had time for toblerone and fanta. Shortly afterwards I noticed Julia lagging behind (due to tacklesack + beer), at the same point Susan commented that she had used a handy knob. Now as the only bloke I can only assume that she meant a stone (‘s) knob (as in rock) because mine was much reduced due to cold water. As we approached the entrance I let a really smelly fart escape, as Susan can testify.

We decided to stomp into Yordas. On the way Julia fell over in Kingsdale beck. Susan and I thought she was going to be washed away, but lard saved the day (hooray for Bernies). Got to Yordas, saw it was wet, and decided to shoot the rapids in Valley, after sticking my arse in a v. v. very powerful waterfall.

Drove to Valley in caving gear looking like a complete idiot. went in the comedy oil drum. Got to the pitch, Julia rigged a y-hang and decided to stay topside. I decided to go first. On reaching the bottom I expected to land in somewhere around ankle deep water. But arrived in waist deep + a bit deep water which was flowing extremely quickly towards the sump; i.e. I was horizontal getting very scared indeed. So I cleverly stopped descending and somehow got my feet on the ground. Susan followed after much faffing and promptly did the horizontal thing. Had to help her to her feet (after scaring her with death story of the sump). Tried to walk upstream, couldn’t. Got Susan started off on the prusiking (difficult conditions to), having to stand in the cold wet waterfall. Tried to get going up the rope after Susan reached the top. Couldn’t coordinate my hands to get jammers on the rope because of the COLD. Finally after much thrashing got prusiking and warmed up at the top of pitch. Started journey back. After doing low wet crawl Susan moaned she had nippy nipples, I tried to explain about surface area problems. Met Anthony at the oil drum. I went back in again. Got changed and exposed my tackle to a passing motorist. Quickly drove to the Marton Arms for a well earned beer. Drove back through the mist, shouted at someone who overtook me whilst in very dense fog. Had pizza in Richmond (not for Julia). The end.

Andy Stone